Building Self-Trust: How Inner Alignment Leads to Better Choices

We've all been there—a party, a gallery opening, a soccer game—when a cherished friend arrives with their new partner, and suddenly everyone is uncomfortable. You know that situation. Where your friend is completely enamored with this person, but it’s clear to everyone else that they are simply wrong for your friend at every level.

The whispered question you all ask is, "Why have they chosen this person who's clearly not suited to them, and, if we’re reading the clues correctly, might even be emotionally harmful to them?" This is not a mean, catty bit of gossip—it's a genuine concern for the welfare of your friend. We've all watched our friends or family members make bad choices like this and wondered, "How can such an intelligent person go down a path that is so patently counterproductive?" 

And what if you're the one with the inappropriate partner? You might have ended a bad relationship and heard later, "They were all wrong for you." And yet, you find yourself doing it again, making poor choices that are detrimental to your happiness and well-being. When this happens, the obvious question that must be asked is, "How can I move past bad choices and start making better ones?" 

While it’s surprisingly common for people to make puzzling or questionable choices, we often don’t fully understand why we do so. In those circumstances, we convince ourselves things are going well, yet the dynamic frequently devolves into familiar patterns of dysfunction, conflict, or disappointment. This cycle can feel distressing and at odds with how we are in other areas of life, and this can be one of the most perplexing aspects: otherwise sharp, thoughtful people making the most obvious missteps in certain situations, entirely oblivious until the situation implodes—much to their surprise, though often entirely predictable to others.

So what’s going on here? Why are so many of us stumbling into situations that are so clearly detrimental to our well-being, but everyone else can see a mile away it’s going to end badly?

The answer lies in a fundamental disconnect from our true selves. We’re often guided not by self-knowledge, self-love, or trust in our deeper instincts, but by a patchwork of insecurities, social expectations, or unresolved emotional wounds. When we lose alignment with who we genuinely are, we set ourselves up to make choices that don’t make sense to our true selves, but instead align perfectly with our unexamined fears or unmet needs.

Since the root of the issue is a disconnection and distrust of our authentic selves, to break this cycle, we must turn inward. The journey to making better choices is one of self-discovery and self-trust, learning to listen to the authentic parts of ourselves. It’s about cultivating a deep, respectful relationship with our inner truths so that, rather than unconsciously repeating harmful patterns, we make choices that reflect our real values, desires, and potential. Only by aligning with our true selves can we step out of these misaligned paths and into a life that feels as right to us as it does to those who care about us.

The Root Cause of Poor Choices—A Disconnect from Our True Selves
Many of our poor choices originate from a deep disconnect with our true selves, often developed in an attempt to meet others' expectations. Early experiences that undermine our self-worth entrench fears of failure and rejection, prompting us to suppress or distort our authentic selves in favor of a facade. This constant self-denial comes with profound pain, as it means we’ve succumbed to a mindset where we feel unworthy, out of place, and fundamentally disconnected from the world around us, driving endless attempts to be someone we’re not.

The daily effort to maintain this false identity is exhausting, demanding relentless vigilance to keep up appearances and avoid exposure. We live with the persistent fear of being 'found out,' fearing that if our true selves were seen, we’d face judgment or rejection. Yet the real suffering lies in the gap between who we are and who we try to be. By rejecting our authentic selves, we create a void that no external validation can fill, resulting in a cycle of disconnection, skewed priorities, and inner turmoil. Ultimately, the greatest pain is not just the mask we wear, but the betrayal of our own truth, which denies us the chance to truly belong, feel at home in the world, and live a life rooted in self-acceptance.

Unfortunately, when we carry this kind of persistent pain, it distorts our ability to make sound choices, clouding judgment and fueling impulsive actions aimed purely at relief. Our pain makes us vulnerable—easily influenced and even controlled—driving us towards choices that we likely wouldn’t make if we weren’t experiencing such great distress. When someone is weighed down by intense pain—especially when layered with self-rejection and feelings of unworthiness—they are driven not by rationality, but by an all-consuming need to escape discomfort. In this state, they become detached from their values, priorities, and true selves. Pain relief becomes the sole focus, with thoughts like, ‘I can’t handle this anymore; I just need relief.’ And when the pain is intense enough, the cost or consequence of their actions fades into the background, as every decision becomes merely a means to numb the pain. This is the tragic cycle of unaddressed inner suffering: it doesn’t just lead to poor choices; it actively erodes the person’s capacity to make choices aligned with their true self.

Aside from trying to relieve the persistent internal pain of not feeling worthy or enough, peer and family pressure—and ultimately the desire to avoid the potential pain of rejection and failure—also drive our unhealthy decisions. We make a poor decision because we’re preoccupied with what our parents will think, what our spouse will think, or what society will think—as opposed to what's in our own healthy best interest. We recognize—unconsciously perhaps, but sometimes consciously—that someone might be unhappy with us if you make an unpopular decision. If they're dissatisfied with us, that makes us feel bad, sad, or hopeless. Therefore, our decision-making process is based on avoiding rejection or abandonment, not on what's appropriate for ys. We’ve given up control of our decision-making process to meet someone else’s demands. For instance, people may marry someone they don't truly love because, perhaps, society's expectation is, “You need to be married and have kids by age thirty.” Or you don't accept your dream job because your parents would be disappointed if you moved out of state. 

All these missed opportunities or misguided choices were not for the right reasons, disregarding our best interests. Ultimately, whether our poor choices stem from a desire to numb existing pain or avoid future pain, they inevitably lead us further off course.

The Challenge & Necessity of Self-Trust
When we spend so much energy avoiding or numbing pain by living disconnected from our true selves, we evade the crucial yet challenging task of confronting and embracing who we really are. This on-going self-avoidance compounds our sense of feeling lost and amplifies a detachment from authenticity, leaving us vulnerable and distressed.

From this place of disconnection, we often make increasingly misguided choices, ignoring our true needs and drifting further off course. Over time, this can spiral into a cycle of self-sabotage, eroding our ability to trust ourselves to make healthy, constructive choices.

When we reach a point where our choices feel out of alignment, the answer is not to keep pushing forward on an unhealthy path but to pause, reconnect, and realign with our authentic selves. Rebuilding this connection is essential to regaining clarity and confidence in the choices we make.

To do this effectively, self-examination is essential. One powerful way to begin is to make it literal: stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself, and truly take in what you see. Examine your reflection. Don't worry about your hair or if you should have chosen a different shade of lipstick—look beyond that; look inside. Ask yourself, “What am I about to do? Is this the right approach? My gut tells me it isn't, so why do I want to do it anyway?” Examine why you are about to make a questionable decision. Is it to control pain, to please others, to fit in? “Am I betraying the person I want to be?” Analyze your motives and reflect on if they feel aligned with being the best person you can be. 

If that truly is the goal—to be your own unique, worthy, vital, wonderful self—everything you do should strengthen that. We should question ourselves as much as we possibly can. “What is the reason for this feeling? Is it a negative reason? Does this make sense? Why am I feeling this way?” Ask yourself, “Am I confronting reality? Am I ignoring reality? Am I seeing things for what they are?” 

While this might seem like an intense approach, it is incredibly powerful because, deep down, we all know when we aren’t being true to ourselves—it’s nearly impossible to lie to the person in the mirror.

One of the biggest reasons people avoid self-examination is the fear of confronting their own failures. If failure feels intolerable, it’s easy to think, “The last thing I want to do is face my own shortcomings; it’s safer to avoid thinking about them.” Because often, the deepest pain doesn’t come from failing others—it comes from feeling like you’ve failed yourself, and that’s hard to face. For someone already sensitive to failure, this can feel especially overwhelming.

But avoidance comes at a steep price. The unwillingness to confront yourself and examine your mistakes limits your growth and keeps you stuck. Without facing reality and pushing yourself to find a constructive way forward, you risk missing out on the growth and insight that only comes from honest self-reflection. People often do anything to avoid the discomfort of failure, but true strength comes from facing it head-on and learning to move forward.

Take baseball players for instance. We think of the greats as incredibly successful people who always win, but in reality, they fail all the time. A good batting average is only about 25-30%. Statistically, that’s a high level of failure, and for someone who is very sensitive to failure it could be career-ending. But the consistently successful players can understand and accept that perfection is unattainable. They’ve developed the mindset of, “That last at bat wasn't great, but I can still do better in the upcoming innings.” They keep going, and a misjudged swing doesn't obliterate their confidence. Because they've put in the work, practiced, and have a strong sense of their overall abilities, they are confident every time they step up to the plate, even though the rate of failure may be high.

This is a lesson and mindset that we can all learn to cultivate by untriggering ourselves from our fear of failure. The less we fear failure, the easier it becomes to confront it. With this internal fortitude you can move past it and reach the place where you can recognize: “Maybe it's hard right now; perhaps I messed up now, maybe I messed up then, but I can keep going.” Developing trust in yourself is about maintaining confidence—especially confidence in yourself—that you can overcome any situation. It's all about carrying on. You get knocked down, you get back up. You screw up, but you learn something from the experience. Your mantra should be, "I can be defeated but I can't be destroyed." The point is, never give up. It doesn't mean you'll always win, but your losses won't ever seem catastrophic.

It is of course important to understand that this is an on-going process—you won't develop these skills over a long weekend. A professional baseball player didn't attend a week-long training session and start hitting home runs—they practiced and honed their skills, probably since they were able to lift up a plastic toy bat. Also, it's not a one-off type of thing that you develop confidence, then you're done with that, then you learn to confront yourself, and you're done with that. It is a cumulative, repetitive process. Constantly striving to know yourself better and better to foster a greater understanding of who you inherently are as an individual—who you want to be. It is important to trust yourself once you begin to know yourself and accept yourself over time. It is not purely an intellectual exercise but also an emotional exercise. Over time, you feel good, relish a positive sense of yourself, and intellectually accept and affirm yourself.

Moving Past Our Biggest Failings
One of the hardest parts of living with our mistakes is that some errors feel so profound they make us question not only our abilities but also our worthiness of love, respect, or happiness. Moving forward with self-compassion and confidence despite past missteps is essential to building unshakable self-trust.

This idea is powerfully explored in the 1994 film The Shawshank Redemption, which follows Andy Dufresne, a banker wrongfully imprisoned for his wife’s murder. While the film outwardly tells the story of Andy’s clever besting of the prison, it’s ultimately about redemption, as the title suggests. Although Andy is innocent of murder, he reflects deeply on his failings in his marriage and admits to his friend, Red, ‘I loved her. I just didn’t know how to show it… I killed her, Red. I didn’t pull the trigger, but I drove her away. And that’s why she died, because of me.’

Through this important self-examination, Andy gradually redeems himself, becoming a better person in prison than he was on the outside. The Shawshank Redemption conveys many powerful themes, but its core message is that true strength lies in recognizing when we’ve gone off track and choosing to realign with our best, most authentic selves. By doing so, we develop a sense of inner trust, learning that while our past mistakes may have had serious and damaging consequences, we have the power to choose a better path.

That’s where Andy’s famous line comes in: ‘Get busy living or get busy dying.’ No matter how deeply we feel we’ve failed, we have a choice to make. We can either remain stuck, letting our mistakes define us, or we can acknowledge them, take responsibility, and move forward with a renewed commitment to make healthier, more aligned choices. If we let our mistakes consume us—if we believe we are beyond redemption—we end up punishing ourselves needlessly, living in a kind of self-imposed death. But by choosing to move forward and realign with what’s true and best within us, we not only regain direction but also rebuild our capacity to trust ourselves.

So how do we come to terms with life-altering mistakes? Consider the example of marrying someone for the wrong reasons. The inner dialogue might go, ‘I knew this wasn’t the right choice for them or for me, but I did it anyway.’ Facing this truth requires accepting responsibility. We’re not passive victims of our choices; we are accountable for them. Once we accept that, we have the opportunity to get back on track, reconnecting with our values and what we know is right for us. When we take responsibility, we’re no longer controlled by our past. Instead, we deepen our understanding of ourselves, learning that even when we’ve made poor choices, we’re capable of choosing differently.

Choosing to live fully, despite our mistakes, doesn’t mean pretending they didn’t happen—it means realigning with our true selves and committing to make better choices from here on out. This is the essence of 'getting busy living': recognizing that no mistake has the power to define our future and that we always have the ability to realign, rebuild, and move forward with integrity. 

Finding The Healthy Path
Ultimately, our healthiest choices come from a foundation of intentionality, where we thoughtfully and consistently strive to do our best. This high standard is only possible when we work to truly know, love, trust, and be our most authentic selves. Internal alignment allows us to act from a place of self-respect and inner harmony, rather than from parts of ourselves that are conflicted or clouded by self-loathing and pain.

Through honest self-examination and acceptance, we come to know who we truly are. As we learn to care for ourselves, we develop the ability to love and trust ourselves—creating a foundation for choices that affirm our well-being and align with our values. Instead of reacting impulsively or falling into old patterns, our first response becomes, Am I choosing wisely in this situation? This question becomes our compass, helping us stay aligned with who we aspire to be.

Think of it like planning a hike through the woods. You don’t wander aimlessly, hoping to stumble upon your destination. Instead, you plan your route, consult a map, and adjust your course as needed to stay on track. Author Stephen Covey says, 'If the ladder is not leaning against the right wall, every step we take just gets us to the wrong place faster.' This alignment requires self-trust and a clear sense of direction to ensure that each step brings us closer to our true goals.

Trusting yourself to follow a healthy path is essential to doing your best. To live fully and authentically, we must consistently confront reality and challenge ourselves to approach each situation as positively as possible. This means asking ourselves, Am I present? Am I handling this in the most constructive, optimistic, and empowered way? By making this a habit, we build resilience and self-confidence.

Understanding the reasons behind poor choices helps us question our decisions, and over time, this builds a solid foundation for self-trust. The more you trust yourself, the more positive choices you make; the more positive choices you make, the more your confidence grows. In this way, self-trust becomes a reinforcing cycle: as you trust yourself more, you become the person you want to be, consistently aligning your actions with your true values and aspirations.

Trusting Your True Self
Each living thing is in the process of becoming what it truly is. Think about a blade of grass pushing up through a crack in the pavement. It doesn’t choose to grow there to frustrate the gardener; it grows there because that’s where it landed, and its drive is to reach the sunlight. Like that grass, each of us has an instinctive drive to become our truest selves, to grow toward what’s right for us. But when we lose touch with that drive—when we bury or ignore it—we start to make choices that don’t reflect who we are at our core.

This disconnection can lead us to paths that are wrong for us, often painfully obvious to others, even if we can’t see it ourselves. Living like this creates a pattern of choices that come not from self-knowledge or self-trust, but from a place of pain and self-doubt. And the underlying message we end up telling ourselves is, ‘No, I can’t do that. It’s too hard to be myself.’ But nothing is more challenging than living a life that isn’t ours to begin with.

The good news is that we each have a persistent life force within, a quiet but powerful guide urging us toward our true path. To trust yourself, you have to honor that inner drive. You need to take the time to listen to it, to confront yourself honestly, and to work toward knowing, accepting, and trusting who you truly are. As you cultivate this relationship with yourself, your decisions start to align with your deepest values and goals, and your confidence in yourself grows.

Self-trust is built step by step. Each time you make a choice that aligns with your true self, you strengthen that trust. Each time you listen to your inner guidance rather than the voices of doubt, you grow closer to the person you’re meant to be. Over time, this self-trust becomes a foundation, helping you navigate even the most difficult paths with confidence. Just like that blade of grass reaching for the light, you have the power to push through life’s cracks, grow toward what is best for you, and trust in your own ability to thrive.