What Is Emotional Fitness Part 5: Serenity

Some things in life are completely out of our hands. No matter how much effort we put in, how much we prepare, or how badly we want something to go a certain way, the universe doesn’t take orders. But that doesn’t stop people from trying.

For instance, take someone who’s expecting a baby, and from the moment they find out, they convince themselves that knowing the gender is the key to getting everything right.

They tell themselves they “need” to know so they can make everything perfect. So they can decorate the nursery the “right” way. So they can choose the “right” name. So they can buy the “right” toys, read the “right” books, and prepare to be the “right” kind of parent.

And once they find out? The planning takes over.

If it’s a boy, he’ll love sports. If it’s a girl, she’ll love art. If it’s a boy, he’ll roughhouse with his dad. If it’s a girl, she’ll help bake cookies in the kitchen. They don’t even realize they’re scripting a life that hasn’t happened yet.

They start making decisions based on this idea of their future child – what activities they’ll do, what values they’ll teach, how they’ll parent. In their mind, knowing the gender means they have control over how this story will unfold.

And then, the baby arrives. And nothing is like they imagined.

Their son has no interest in sports. Their daughter is wild and fearless. The baby they thought would be quiet is loud. The baby they thought would be easygoing is stubborn. Everything they assumed was wrong, and none of their carefully scripted plans changed a thing.

But instead of adjusting and embracing the reality in front of them, they struggle. They hold onto their expectations, trying to push things back onto the track they imagined. And the more they resist, the harder everything feels.

Because this isn’t just about the baby. This is how they handle life – constantly trying to force outcomes, control uncertainty, and mold the world into something more predictable. And every time life doesn’t fit into their carefully designed plan, they feel frustrated, anxious, or overwhelmed. They aren’t dealing with reality, they’re fighting against it.

Serenity is the opposite of that fight. It’s not about giving up or not caring. It’s about understanding the limits of control and knowing when to let go.

Someone with serenity in this situation wouldn’t have needed to know the gender to feel prepared. They would have understood that no matter what the ultrasound said, the child would become whoever they were meant to be.

They still could have decorated the nursery, picked out clothes, and imagined their future, but without clinging to those ideas as if reality owed them that outcome. They would have been able to meet their child as they actually are, instead of struggling with the gap between expectation and reality.

Serenity means moving with life instead of against it. It’s about being adaptable, about accepting the unexpected, about recognizing that resisting reality doesn’t change it, it just makes it harder to bear.

Because life will never go exactly the way you planned. And the choice is never about whether things will unfold the way you want them to, it’s about how much unnecessary suffering you add on top of it. When you fight reality, you lose every time. When you have serenity, you don’t need to win; you just live.

The Strength in Serenity: Mastering What We Can Control
If there is one thing we can count on in life, it’s that we are not in charge of how it unfolds. No amount of effort, planning, or wishing can force the world to align perfectly with our expectations. And yet, people spend their lives trying anyway—resisting what they cannot change, stressing over what they cannot control, and exhausting themselves in the process.

Serenity is not about pretending that hardships don’t exist. It’s not about ignoring problems or giving up. It’s about learning to meet reality as it is, instead of fighting it. Some things in life will go our way, and some won’t. Some outcomes will be within our control, and some will never be. 

If we cannot control the universe, what can we control? Ourselves. More specifically, our emotional response to what happens to us. We don’t get to dictate every circumstance, but we do get to decide how we engage with it—how we think about it, how we react, and how much of our energy we allow it to take.

Most people assume their emotions are automatic, dictated by external events. They believe frustration, anxiety, or sadness are inevitable responses to difficulty. Something goes wrong, and they react without question. But serenity offers another way. We can choose to respond with calmness and clarity, even in difficulty.

This doesn’t mean ignoring emotions—it means acknowledging what we feel without being ruled by it. It means seeing a difficult situation and saying, “I don’t like this, but I don’t have to let it consume me.”

This is not an easy thing to do. Serenity is a sign of growth and maturity—it’s difficult to attain, but worth striving for. Most people go through life at the mercy of their emotions, reacting impulsively to whatever happens. They allow stress, anger, or fear to dictate their experience instead of recognizing that their response is a choice.

Once we’ve done all we reasonably can—once we’ve taken action, adjusted, or addressed what is within our power—further worry or distress serves no purpose. It doesn’t improve the situation. It only undermines our well-being.

This foundational concept of serenity is captured so clearly in the very famous Serenity Prayer:

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And wisdom to know the difference.

This is more than a nice sentiment—it’s a vital framework for living. It reminds us that not everything is within our control, and that’s okay. The key is in recognizing where to place our energy and where to let go.

Because the only thing we truly control in this life is our response to it. And when we learn to accept reality instead of resisting it, we don’t just reduce suffering—we gain clarity, strength, and peace.

The Importance of Serenity: Confronting Reality and Responding Positively
Serenity is not about passively accepting life’s challenges—it’s about having the strength to face reality as it is and respond in the best way possible. Some people assume that staying calm means being detached or indifferent, but true serenity is the opposite. It requires deep engagement with the world and the willingness to confront difficulties with positivity rather than avoidance or distress.

Reality is often inconvenient, frustrating, or painful. People lose jobs, relationships change, plans fall apart, and unexpected setbacks arise. Ignoring these truths doesn’t make them disappear, and wishing things were different only adds unnecessary suffering. The only way forward is to acknowledge what is happening and decide how to respond.

This is where many people struggle. Instead of facing reality, they resist it. They deny what is happening, cling to how they think things should be, or react emotionally in ways that only make things worse. This resistance creates unnecessary distress and often leads to self-sabotaging behaviors—shutting down, lashing out, or avoiding the situation altogether.

Serenity means refusing to let discomfort, fear, or frustration dictate our choices. It allows us to look at reality without distortion and ask, "What is within my control? What can I do right now that is actually useful?" Instead of getting stuck in resentment or hopelessness, a person with serenity channels their energy into productive action.

People often confuse control with power. They think that controlling every outcome is the key to a good life, but real power is not about controlling what happens—it’s about controlling how you respond. Someone who has mastered this understands that circumstances don’t determine their experience—mindset does.

A person who gets passed over for a promotion can spiral into frustration, dwelling on how unfair it is, or they can use it as an opportunity to reassess and make improvements. Someone who faces an unexpected expense can sink into stress, or they can adjust, adapt, and find a way forward. The difference isn’t in the situation itself—it’s in how they engage with reality rather than resisting it.

Serenity doesn’t mean giving up—it means being adaptable. It means recognizing that life will always be unpredictable, and the best way to meet reality with openness rather than resistance. We can then stop wasting energy on what we can’t change and start directing it toward what we can. And in that shift, we gain true power, not over the world, but over ourselves.

What Gets in the Way of Serenity
Serenity isn’t just about learning to regulate emotions. It’s also often about identifying and dismantling the outdated triggered responses that keep us stuck in distress. When people struggle to attain serenity, it’s rarely because they consciously reject it. More often, it’s because their deeply ingrained emotional patterns push them into states of stress, frustration, or helplessness before they even realize it’s happening.

At its core, emotional distress is a signal. It tells us that we are reacting to something based on an automatic response that was established at some point in the past. When we feel intense frustration, anxiety, helplessness, or anger, we are often experiencing not just the present moment, but a reaction shaped by past experiences. These responses once served a purpose—helping us cope, survive, or navigate difficult environments—but they may no longer be useful in our current reality.

One common way these outdated responses show up is the victim mindset. People who feel chronically stuck, overwhelmed, or powerless are often operating from an emotional script that tells them they have no real ability to change their circumstances. This isn’t a conscious choice—it’s a learned response, often rooted in past experiences where they genuinely had little control. Over time, this mindset becomes ingrained, shaping how they interpret challenges and reinforcing a cycle of helplessness.

Social reinforcement makes breaking this cycle even harder. Distress often brings attention, sympathy, and validation. People may receive support when they vent or complain, creating a feedback loop where distress feels like the best way to get their needs met. But while validation can feel good in the moment, it doesn’t create real change—it keeps people emotionally stuck.

Another major barrier to serenity is the belief that distress is necessary. Many people associate anxiety, frustration, or anger with taking things seriously—as if letting go of distress means becoming complacent. But while distress can be a motivator, it also narrows focus, reduces clarity, and often leads to ineffective decision-making. People acting from a place of empowered passion—a state of motivation that is calm and clear—consistently make better choices than those acting from fear or frustration.

Venting is another common response that keeps people from serenity. While expressing emotions can be healthy, venting without resolution is just emotional dumping. It creates the illusion of action without addressing the root cause of distress. If the pattern isn’t broken, the same emotions resurface over and over, reinforcing the underlying triggers rather than resolving them.

Serenity feels impossible when people are caught in automatic patterns that repeatedly lead them into distress. But it’s not that serenity is out of reach—it’s that their triggered responses are working against them. The key is not just learning to manage emotions, but to untrigger outdated responses, freeing ourselves from patterns that no longer serve us.

This doesn’t mean avoiding emotions—it means understanding them. It means recognizing distress as a signal and choosing to examine it rather than just reacting to it. It means acknowledging the emotional scripts that are shaping our experiences and making the choice to rewrite them.

Serenity isn’t something we just stumble into—it’s something we cultivate by systematically breaking free from the patterns that keep us from it.

The Myth of Toughness vs. True Strength
Some people might think of serenity as akin to toughness, believing that shutting down emotions and powering through difficulties without feeling them is the best way to navigate life. But toughness and serenity are not the same. Toughness is a form of armor—a rigid defense that shields people from vulnerability. Serenity, on the other hand, allows for both sensitivity and strength.

Toughness is often a response to fear. People harden themselves because they don’t trust that they can handle emotional discomfort. If they grew up in environments where emotional expression was met with ridicule, rejection, or punishment, they learned to suppress their feelings to protect themselves. Over time, this suppression becomes habitual, leading to emotional numbness rather than resilience.

This is why toughness, rather than being a sign of strength, is often a sign of unprocessed pain. People who emphasize toughness above all else are frequently disconnected from their emotions—not because they don’t feel deeply, but because they have trained themselves not to acknowledge it. This limits their ability to grow, adapt, and form deep connections with others.

A clear example of this is toxic masculinity, a cultural conditioning that teaches people—especially men—that emotions are a sign of weakness. Many are taught that showing sadness, fear, or sensitivity makes them less capable. But in reality, the ability to process emotions, rather than suppress them, is what leads to true strength.

Toughness relies on denial. It tells people to shut down, to push forward no matter what, to ignore the weight of their emotions. But shutting down is not mastery, it’s avoidance. True strength comes from capability, not bravado. A person who is truly strong does not need to project toughness or prove their resilience by refusing to feel. They are strong because they know how to handle difficulty without letting it destroy them.

This is why people who constantly project toughness often feel the weakest inside. They are compensating for an internal insecurity, using bravado as a way to convince both themselves and others that they are unshakable. But strength isn’t about being unshakable, it’s about knowing that you can be shaken and still stand.

And with this strength, serenity offers something toughness never can: real confidence. It doesn’t require armor. It doesn’t demand suppression. It allows people to engage fully with the world, to feel deeply without being overwhelmed, and to respond to life with clarity rather than fear.

Harnessing The Power of Serenity
Ultimately, serenity is about developing the wisdom to respond to reality with positivity and calmness, even in the face of uncertainty and difficulty. It is not passive, nor is it indifferent. True serenity is a skill that takes practice, self-awareness, and deliberate effort.

The goal isn’t perfection. No one is perfectly serene all the time. But with consistent effort, we can shift from reactive emotional patterns to measured, intentional responses. We can move away from distress-driven decisions and toward a place of emotional balance, strength, and clarity.

When we are serene, we function at our best. We think more clearly, act more effectively, and engage with the world in a way that is both rational and positive. Serenity doesn’t mean we never feel intense emotions—it means we are not ruled by them. We can experience frustration without being consumed by it, feel sadness without sinking into despair, and process challenges without being overwhelmed.

Dysregulation—whether in the form of constant distress or manic overexuberance—is exhausting. Many people go through life bouncing between emotional extremes, mistaking highs and lows for passion and engagement. But true emotional well-being is sustainable. It is not a fleeting burst of optimism or a moment of forced composure. It is a steady, measured awareness that allows us to engage with life fully, without being drained by it.

When we cultivate serenity, we stop being controlled by outdated triggers, external chaos, or the emotional highs and lows that drain our energy. Instead of automatically reacting, we gain the ability to pause, assess, and respond with intention because we’ve developed the capacity to handle what comes without losing ourselves in it. Serenity isn’t an escape from life; it’s a way of fully showing up for it.