PATH TO EMOTIONAL FITNESS PART 2: Competence: The Essential Inoculation Against Trauma

Whenever people experience emotional distress, those feelings are rooted in a trauma response, triggering intense emotional discomfort based on a previously traumatizing experience.
In the first part of the this series, we learned about people who experience menu or vacation anxiety. These challenges may seem rather trivial for those on the outside, but no matter how odd or unreasonable it may seem to some, the emotional distress these people feel is real, vivid, and genuinely limiting, and their challenges are not due to any weakness of character or personal failings.

The critical question, then, is why were those experiences traumatizing, and what does competence have to do with it?

First, we have to understand that trauma occurs specifically because we’ve encountered instances where we lack the resources to deal with a situation effectively—we’re not competent to handle what’s happening. These resources can be internal, such as emotional resilience or understanding, or external, such as support from others.

There are different levels of trauma, ranging from truly devastating experiences, like abuse, neglect, violence, or most commonly, nurturing deficiency; to more situational traumas where we are simply out of our depth, but not in genuine harm or danger.

For instance, a young child might be terrified by a clown because the bizarre behavior and abnormal appearance are incomprehensible and frightening to them. At three years old, a child may lack the cognitive and emotional resources to process and understand the clown, which can lead to a trauma response. However, if a person encounters a clown for the first time at age 25, they have the maturity, knowledge, and context to understand that the clown is just a person in costume, significantly reducing the likelihood of a traumatic response.

No matter the severity, any trauma—devastating or otherwise—occurs because we don’t have the right resources at the time of the event to handle the experience. Competence provides these crucial resources. It equips us with the practical skills and knowledge to manage challenges effectively, reducing the likelihood of trauma by enhancing our ability to understand, process, and respond to difficult situations.

In essence, developing competence means having a toolkit of resources that allow us to handle life’s challenges more effectively, thereby reducing the potential for trauma and increasing our emotional adaptability and fitness. 

When we lack the competency to deal with the situations we encounter, it leads to unnecessary suffering for several important reasons:

1) Perception of Non-Threats as Threats: People begin to perceive things as threats or challenges that are objectively not problematic. For example, a person may develop a fear of clowns, which are harmless, due to an inability to process and understand the situation when first encountered at a young age. As a result, they are unable to handle situations that should be no big deal when they’re older, leading to unnecessary anxiety and avoidance behaviors.

2) Reliving Past Traumas: Individuals suffer by reliving their past traumas every time they are triggered. This constant re-experiencing of trauma prevents growth and leads to irrational and unhelpful feelings and behaviors. Each triggering circumstance causes them to revert to the emotional state they were in during the original trauma and react as they would have at that time. This keeps them stuck in the past, continually reliving both the original emotional distress and reactions. Consequently, their feelings and behaviors often become wildly out of context and potentially inappropriate for the present situation.

3) Outdated Triggered Responses: Many people suffer from outdated triggered responses that could be updated if they knew how. Instead of addressing the root cause of their trauma, people often resort to self-care and therapeutic interventions that typically only minimize the suffering rather than eliminate it. These coping mechanisms create a continuous cycle of managing, rather than overcoming, their emotional challenges. This is where our Emotional Updating technique can be particularly helpful. It is specifically designed to update outdated emotional responses, allowing people to alleviate emotional distress once and for all and develop up-to-date responses that leverage present-day resources, making them more competent to handle circumstances that once caused significant distress.

Unfortunately, many people today are limited in their levels of competence to varying degrees for a variety of reasons, leaving them susceptible to this unnecessary suffering and underprepared for life's realities. 

In some cases, individuals face experiences for which they are genuinely unprepared, such as extreme trauma like abuse, or milder but equally real traumas, like a young child being frightened by a clown.

However, quite frequently, people find themselves unable to handle challenges that they should reasonably be equipped to manage - like ordering food at a restaurant. While there are many reasons for lacking competence in situations like this, certain practices, such as helicopter parenting and safety-ism, contribute to this under-preparation. Helicopter parenting, where parents closely monitor and intervene in their children's activities, can prevent the development of independent problem-solving skills. Similarly, safety-ism, a cultural trend towards overprotecting individuals from potential harm or discomfort, limits opportunities for growth and resilience.

When individuals are shielded from appropriate levels of failure, discomfort, or risk, they do not develop the competence needed to handle these experiences when they inevitably arise. This is very important to understand because people are inherently antifragile, meaning they grow and become stronger when exposed to appropriate challenges and stressors throughout life. This concept suggests that just as our muscles grow stronger when exercised, our emotional and psychological resilience also increases when we face and overcome difficulties. However, by creating environments where individuals are overprotected and under-challenged, we’re inhibiting our ability to develop essential competencies. Consequently, when faced with challenges, we are more likely to experience emotional distress and trauma, as we lack the tools and resilience to manage these situations effectively.

This emotional distress is likely why many people face the world with what is called a “fixed mindset.” Individuals with a fixed mindset believe their abilities are static and unchangeable, leading them to avoid challenges for fear of failure. In contrast, those with a “growth mindset” view challenges as opportunities to learn and grow. They understand that effort and perseverance can enhance their abilities over time. 

Avoiding challenges does not resolve underlying problems or build the skills needed to handle future difficulties. Instead, it reinforces fragility and dependence on external protection. True emotional fitness requires facing and engaging with challenges, not retreating from them.

Ultimately, the solution to a deficiency in competence is not to make our worlds smaller by avoiding challenges, but to make ourselves more capable of handling the challenges we might face. This involves actively seeking out and embracing opportunities for growth, learning from failures, and continually developing our skills and resilience.

By fostering competence, individuals can develop the necessary skills to face and adapt to life’s challenges effectively, thus reducing the likelihood of trauma and enhancing overall emotional fitness. To achieve this, we must create environments that challenge us appropriately, promote a growth mindset, and update our out-of-date responses to leverage our current day resources. By doing so, we enhance our ability to adapt to life’s challenges, leading to greater emotional fitness and well-being.